Friday, September 25, 2009


Quite desperation.

I’m being quiet. The word desperation follows but I’m not sure why. The word seems to…desperate. I’m not desperate. I desire.

Quite desiring.

I desire quietness. Quietness in my head, my spirit.
I’m bored.
I’m quietly bored.
I don’t want to be bored.
I don’t want to be quiet.

I want sleep. Quiet sleep where I’m not bored, or desperate.

I want out of this moment.

It’s a hard day. Not a bad day, a hard day. No, it’s a hard moment.
It’s a good day, but a hard moment.

In this hard, desperate, bored, tired, quiet moment I desire something from Jesus.

Perseverance. I want to persevere. I am. I am persevering, quietly.
In other times I would distract myself. Detach, deflect, and destroy.
Destroy the boredom, the desperation, and the desire, with deflection and distraction.

Rumor has it that if I’m feeling these things God’s not there.
I started the rumor.

There have been times when God has lifted my head with purpose. Those moments are distracting in a good way. They are consuming.

I have a ton to do. A million things I could be doing. I don’t want to do them.
So mundane, so much like work.

“My peace I give to you.” Jesus said, “My peace I give to you.”
I wonder where he put it. I wonder where I put it. Where is that damn peace?
I’m kind of finding it here on this page by exploring my experience.
Could it be that simple? Embrace the experience? Share the experience?

I’m slowing down my head. I’m forcing myself to slow down. Slow down the heart beat. Slow down the ‘need’.
Shoot. I’m still bored. Don’t want to work.
“In this world you will have trouble”. Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble”.
Thanks allot Jesus.

I don’t blame Him. I’m just teasing Him.
I don’t think He causes the trouble. He doesn’t have too. I do a good enough job of that myself.
Sometimes without even trying.

It’s just life.
“So they may life to the full”. Jesus said He came that “they may have life to the full.”

I’m aware.
In this awareness is life. It’s exciting I guess.

In this moment, this experience of;
Sleep desiring
Activity wanting
Perseverance getting
Purpose knowing
Slow down doing
Boredom having
Chill acting
Peace hearing
Hard moment-day having
Awareness getting
Not distracting
Not detaching
Want-need-desire acknowledging
In this life to the full getting moment,

I see that this is “life to the full.”

Thanks Jesus. Really, thanks.

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